I know that 2020 was a difficult year for many. And though the epidemic has not affected me directly, thank you Lord, 2020 ( and 2021) was/is a terribly difficult year I backslid and fell further from God. (backslid? such a strange word, that we utter with such ease, and yet we shouldn’t)
I never thought that would happen. I thought it was something that only happened to others, whose faith was weak.
This past year broke me, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. I remember God leading me to study the book of Job right before all this mess started, right before the illness and insomnia, before the financial woes, before the heartbreak, before watching all my dreams and plans fall to pieces.
While studying Job, I also remember praying ‘whatever it takes, do whatever it takes Lord to mold me into what you need me to be´ and being afraid to utter those words, because I think I knew something was coming, some from my own doing, some from things I have no control over.
And boy, did it hurt, it still does.
First the illness came, then the letter from the lawyer, then more illness.
Sleepless nights turned into purposeless days.
An unequally yoked relationship turned into my worst fear. And of course, a broken heart followed.
A few weeks ago I fell to my knees in anger and yelled out to God, asking Him why has He abandoned me, He promised He wouldn’t. I felt alone and broken. Terrible thoughts filled my head and heart, trying to grasp on to Him, but I felt so far away. And instead I grasped on to this world, which crumbled in my hands.
I remember this.
The darkness, the panic, the confusion, the anxiety, the hopelessness..
I recalled a sermon I once heard, something about when evil comes , to fight, and if you can’t fight, withstand, and if you can’t withstand, just stand. And so that’s what I did, I just stood. I was weak, and I had no fight left, I felt like I’ve been on the battlefield for a hundred lifetimes, and the rest and peace He once offered me was gone.
“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand”
Once I stopped panicking, crying, complaining, and I just stood, then I could hear Him.
That’s when I began to say thank You.
Thank You for the pain, the struggle, the trials, thank you for showing me my weakness.
8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12: 8-10
Such mercy He has. Watching me sin and reformulate scripture to fit my desired life, and then yell at Him when everything fell apart.
Like a child, like a stubborn, ungrateful child.
And like Peter, I denied Him.
In the book of Daniel, when Shadrach, Meschach, Abdenego are sentenced to death in the blazing furnace, for refusing to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar’s golden statue. They went in the fire not knowing that God would save them, they went in knowing that the will of God will be done, whether they lived or died. They knew God could save them, He is more than powerful, but they didn’t know if He would, if it was in line with His will. but they accepted whatever outcome, because it came from Him.
I pray to have faith like Shadrach, Meschach and Abdenego have. A faith that will strengthen me to never bow down to anything but You, a faith that will strengthen me to walk in the fire.