I feel God is asking me to share my testimony soon. As I laid in bed a few nights ago, I rehearsed it out loud, and it seemed to go on and on. I even left alot of stories out. Life is amazing, I never ever thought that I would be writing about God and Jesus, and living the way I do. I am so blessed. It’s only recently that I am not fearful to share my past, and my beliefs.
Let me tell you a story on how amazing God is, how He prepared me for the love of Jesus. I had already surrendered to God, and had gone through months of repentance. I believed I was truly healed, until one day… I was asked in marriage. I was living in Sri Lanka, and I had only met this man once, but we spoke on the phone a few times. When he asked me, I didnt really react. However, it only took about 24 hours before I fell back into my old thought patterns, the ones I believed I had healed. We can’t do anything, not without Jesus. So I found myself in bed, my eyes filled with tears, falling back into self-doubt :
“how can anyone ever love me after all I have done”
“I am not worthy of marriage, I am not worthy of love”
“I can’t be a mother, I will make a terrible mother”
“His family will hate me”
“I will never be good enough for him ”
And on and on it went.
Until God spoke to me.
I remember it clearly, because it was a moment of great pain and struggle. I remember what God told me: ” You have a choice. You can either keep on believing these thoughts, the ones that keep you trapped in this life, and you know exactly where this will lead. Or you can choose Me. Trust Me. Let all those thoughts go. They are not real unless you make them real. You know that now. We’ve been here before. When you choose Me, you choose life, truth, beauty, grace, love. This path is unknown to you, but I am here, I will take care of you, always.”
These words. How I will cherish them forever. It had been one year since my complete surrender to God, but this moment was crucial in my journey. It was the crossroad that would really define living my life in Christ Jesus or living it alone.
And so I chose God. For the next few weeks, God healed my heart and now I can see that He was preparing my heart for the love of Jesus. We also made a deal, and We agreed that I could take my time to mourn and heal until dec 21st (another blog post for later), and from that point on. I will be all His.
It was difficult. I remember feeling so much compassion for the whole world, for how we hold on to our past and our pain. Letting it define who we are.
I remember thinking, wow, no wonder so few cross this bridge, it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. But once you get to the other side….
All this to say, that I’m preparing myself for my Testimony.
There was a night not too long ago, I fell upon a sermon by Brennan Manning. There was something so wonderful about his words. I listened to it over and over.
What inspires me to share my stories with you , Brennan Manning perfectly explains :
“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
Don’t let your pain and failures define you, let them make you shine, for others.